I wondered out to enjoy what smelt like a beautiful dinner. My wife naturally and lovingly asks me how our little man is doing, a simple question filled with the strong care and affection she has for our family.
My son was so at peace he didn't move as my wide undid the carrier and slid him out, she sang a sweet little tune to help the transition to his bassinet.
"Is he alright?"
The question left my mouth but i never expected an answer, I could see what was happening but still somehow hoped that by uttering those words what was obvious to me wasnt actually happening at all. Time stopped as my wife held my pale, limp, silent bow and reached for her phone.
"take him outside, take him"
My wife instinctively knew the cold night air would help and I was happy to fllow any command, to do something, anything.
As I stood in the cold I held him face down, face up, I jiggled, I shouted, was he breathing? I rubbed and shouted, he looked at me. No he didn't. He opened his dazed eyes, he didnt focus, he didnt see anything, he looked past me, he looked through me... lifeless. I kept shouting and jiggling, he made a small sound and flopped. Three more times he roused, murmured and flopped.
The ambulance wasn't contactable.. the operated stayed calm, I was panicked. We were in a bad dream, this wasn't real, we were in a bubble, we were in a soup.
I shouted that he was ok. I wanted to convince my wife, I wanted to convince myself, it was a prayer not a statement. " he is OK"
Finally a stir, a small cry, a bigger cry, a huge scream... the sweetest ear splitting scream.
"HE IS OK" this time a statement, this time good news, not hope, this time to console my wife to inform myself, he is OK, you bloody little beauty.
By the time the ambulance arrived my little man is in full voice, he cries because it's cold, he laughs at the Ambo's funny face, he plays with the blanket.
Mum and Dad relieved and concerned but mostly just shocked.
Our magic, perfect baby boy is oblivious and happy. New faces to look at, interesting people pushing and prodding. New sounds and machines to check out.
The youngest member of our family is full of wonder. Even if it is not fully conscious, it is innate he is eager to learn new things and experience what life has to offer. The parents; me, scared, worried and keen to protect. I just want safety and assurance for my sone not opportunity and adventure.
What have I put my parent through? The magic switch of parenthood has been flicked. I now see why my parents could see danger where I saw opportunity... on most occasions just the opportunity for stupid reckless fun.
How will we as parents let our son grow, experience and strive when everything in me just wants to wrap and protect. How can we let him develop into the easy going, smart, adventurous boy we want when everything in my wants to shield him from danger.
I guess we grow, assess and balance these impulses we have to find the great courage to let go. I now realise the bravest person is not the dare devil but the dare devil's parents as they have all care and no control. I guess we have to develop as parents as our son develops as a man.
From his birth I changed. I can see how hard it is to be an easy going freewheeling parent and no longer can I be freewheeling, impulsive boy. I have a new life to nurture and a much greater understanding on the courage of my parents. I only now appreciate fully why my parents didn't like me climbing trees at three, riding my bike down that big hill and across the road at 10, drinking and staying out all night as a teenager. I thought it was my risk, I didn't realise that there was no risk for me, I couldn't see the burden of risk was all theirs.
I can now see the potential for disaster in everything my boy does and he is still too young to spread his wings.
My boy, he is looking at me and smiling, wondering why dad is upset and he feels fine and has nothing but opportunities in front of him already puzzling why I haven't put him down, why I haven't yet trusted myself to let him do the simplest task.
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