Howtoraiseyourchild.com

Since becoming a dad I’ve been exposed to the cash bonanza that is handing out parenting advice, so in order to make this blog pay, I’m getting on the bandwagon. Men don’t read advice, women hate advice from un-qualified/inexperienced men and everybody becomes catatonically enraged when a third party sticks their nose in regarding their kids, so this should be a raging success.

I’m sure the advice columns are littered with the columnist padding out the reader questions with their own stunt questions in order to provide the pearls of wisdom they are dying to share. l just pinch questions from the successful sites (change the names) and answer in the opposite way thus proving there is more than one way to skin a cat…but who the hell skins a cats?

Question: Dear Natural Organic Mum, My child Starbeam is being brought up to only eat the food that used to be eaten by the Farflungmadeup tribe of the Amazon. As you know this tradition ensures my child is nourished only by the un-polluted super foods made from root vegetables, moss and fungus found in the jungles of the Amazon. Despite explaining in detail my child’s needs at a party we recently attended the host provided non organic juice thus polluting Starbeams pristine digestive system. How can I reprimand the parents who allowed my child to drink this juice against my wishes.

Actual Answer from Natural Organic Mum: I find it is always advisable to bring a small bag of food and drink from home to ensure your child’s individual needs are catered for. I have found that the hosts are grateful for the specialist catering and if you bring some extra it encourages the other children (and adults!) to enjoy the great taste and nutrition. I do not feel that confronting the parents is the tranquil path to tread and by enlightening others about your choices in a positive way it will bring you greater rewards.

Barneyarns alternate answer: The Farflungmadeup tribe eat whatever is at hand, I believe McDonalds is now their most popular form of food and with modern medicine enjoy more than the 30 years of life they endured when eating the supposed magic diet. It is amazing that your meddling has been overcome and your child has some friends that still invite him/her to parties; for that you should be grateful. Kids eat dirt so one glass of juice is probably one of the better things Starbeam will eat. Do not bring your own food unless Starbeam has a real allergy to a common food, your host will be annoyed, the other kids will hate the fungus you feed Starbeam and it will only add to the growing list of things they tease him/her about (the first thing on the tease list is the name, try changing that).    

By Chinky McPlay 

      

I think all parents know that occasionally the best thing that we can give a kid is a smack, but it can never be something that hurts them.”

Tony Abbott, prime minister, Australia

Chinky’s response

 Wow! Mr Abbott, please explain:  “ the best thing we can give kids is a smack?” Of course it can never be something that hurts them – ummm a smack that doesn’t hurt ? Sounds like bullshit to me…..

….Earlier this year, the Royal Australasian College of Physicians called for any physical punishment of children to be outlawed. It said research shows physical punishment increases the future risk of a child suffering mental health problems, including depression and antisocial or aggressive behaviour.

Despite evidence from educated professionals who see the immediate and longer term effects of ‘smacking’ children, our  country’s leader, Mr Abbott, has indicated he is not in favour of a ban: “We often see political correctness taken to extremes and maybe this is another example,” he told Channel Seven, this morning.

….Most of us would label a child who hits another child, a bully; when a teenager hits somebody he is a ‘thug’ out of control; an adult who slaps a workmate or (heaven forbid!) their partner would probably receive a criminal conviction. So why would we even consider it acceptable to hit children who don’t yet have the brain pathways to manage emotions or impulse control, who haven’t developed the language and cognitive skills to communicate articulately and who are still learning right from wrong….

Barne Yarns says: Life is all about balance, Tony was smacked too much creating a narrow mind, Chinky not enough hence a waif, I was raised perfectly and am less successful than the aforementioned duo. This inconclusively proves that both wrong approaches can be overcome and the perfect approach may not be enough.  On second thought the truth is more boring, Tony and Chinky both appear to be good parents so don’t need advice; unfortunately nutters on both sides will agree vehemently with their champion and that is where the real damage is done.

The debate about smacking is always spearheaded by some drop kick drooling: “I was smacked and no harm did done to me get done”. Being countered by a waif with out of control kids proposing “Children can make their own choices”. Ironically both sides of the argument, think their champion is furthering their cause and the opponent a prime example of what is trying to be avoided.

I can’t believe Chinky said bullshit in the first para but she did hit the nail on the head. Smack but don’t hurt them isn’t that a pat? Does Tony believe what he says or is a looking for solid political ground? Chinky then makes out that whacking your kid on the leg for trying to stick a knife in the toaster might scar them for life and is akin to punching on with your boss. Dropkicks DO need to be told to never smack their kids, The waif raising a free-spirited rabble of kids DOES need to be told to set boundaries and enforce them with an iron fist. Of course neither side will listen. Us smart Barneyarn readers will all do the wrong things disciplining our children, smacking when we shouldn’t or using reasoning and naughty steps ineffectively. Since our heart is in the right place we will bumble through without damaging our kids. I don’t know if you should smack your kids or not but I do know you are smart enough to avoid being a nutter.